I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
