I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
