I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
