Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
