He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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