the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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