You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
They are going to name an STD after you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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