My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
