you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
