im six kinds of drunk right now
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm getting married
To pizza
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
