I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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