Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Randomize
