I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
