I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
