Someone shit on the floor
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
