if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
