I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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