I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
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I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
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Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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