I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
