went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
