FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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