he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
