So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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