and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
