I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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