I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
