Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize