Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
