Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
