the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
