The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
