I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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