he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
