Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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