Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...