Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
