I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
