do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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