Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
