There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
