If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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