I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
