he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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