why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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