my vag is so smooth its legendary
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
