I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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