please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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