I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
