Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
