Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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