I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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