I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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