fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
